Down By The Bay, Where the Watermelons Grow

2005-04-28T12:38:00.000-04:00

Wow long time no post!! Sad thing is I'm doing this at SCHOOL MUAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!

Lots has been going on, I'm never home due to my car, it's evil and manipulative and wants me to go out all the time. I guess that's why I wrecked it!!! I'm now rid of it's evilness!!!

OK that's all a bunch of lies!! I MISS MY CAR!!! I think I may have totaled it to :(
NO MORE JEEP!!! I may get my grandfathers truck to drive for a little while... It's kinda sad cuz it's DEFINATLY and old-mans-truck... oh well a vehicle is a vehicle... Thats about it tho...

but maybe I will post again before I get it!!!

2005-03-21T01:24:00.000-05:00

I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes)
THE USED

Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been
Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin

(I'm melting, I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while

And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
why cuts aren't healing
Learning how to love

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
(Stay with me lay with me now)

You could stay and watch me fall
And of course I'll ask for help
Just stay with me now
Take my hand
We could take our heads off
stay in bed just make love that's all
Just stay with me now

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting

In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me lay with me
(Stay with me, lay with me)

In your eyes
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes (I'm melting in your eyes)
Let's leave till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes

.

2005-03-13T04:08:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty good day. I woke up around 4, took a shower, then around 5, I went to Ingles but stopped by Gennas before. We made plans for today/tomorrow. We're gonna go see a movie at 2 tomorrow!! YAY!!! Then when I came home from Ingles I got to go to Kerstins on my own and followed Duran and Britt down to Sylva where we went to Wendys's, McDonalds and WAL-MART!!! Heh and on the Way there Duran and I raced, but I left him behind at a red light!!! So I beat his ass!! MWhahaha My Jeep is KICK-ASS DUDE!!! It makes me happy...hehe then, yeah we went back to Kerstins, then to Franklin where we picked up Darrin. Then he beat my ass in his little fancy sports car coming back up to Cashiers. I was out driving till 2:30 a.m. THAT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY!!! I can't wait to take a road trip to see Janet, Anna and Charlotte!! And to go to graduation, cuz yeah, I'm graduating with my Salem class wether they LIKE it or NOT!!! MWHAHAHA!! So yeah I think I'm gonna head off to bed so I can be bright-eyed and bushie-tailed tomorrow ::slaps self:: You can slap me to next time I say that.... and now, for a picture of a car that looks exactly like mine... well not EXACTLY, but yeah...
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2005-03-11T21:19:00.000-05:00

2005-03-10T03:52:00.000-05:00

"Just Below It All"
03-10-05 (by me)

There's something quietly lingering,
Just below the surface of your deadened-silk skin.
Something only slightly known behind your faded stories.
Silent screams come from broken promises,
And shattered hope fails again.

Restrained tears invisibly burst,
Through fractued aqua-glass.
Pouring fourth like the unheard wishes,
Of skin slashed by hopelessness,
And breath blocked by ashen-clouds of a blistered life.

So unfaithful and consumed by fear,
That nothing is seen through ruby rags,
That drip thick-laced regret,
And strethcing long-shadowed lies,
Into the red-saturated sunset.

Only the rasied lines from missed fatalities,
Can take you back to what you've always, never known.

.

2005-03-09T04:32:00.000-05:00

You have to find a way to escape,every now and then...
How many beers is too much?
I, personally, at this moment, am going on 7... WOO HOO... 7 seven 12's, not 7 40's, whew then I would be totally fucked... heh...
.

2005-03-05T01:53:00.000-05:00

Well Janet should be here with me right now, but she's not :(... Turns out our-friend MAC (COUGH) decided we couldn't go get her. We were even half way there when my mom called telling me to turn around. IT SUCKS, I was so excited and happy earlier, oh well, I guess good things can't last forever...

I kinda feel like this (heh)
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for a different post: livejournal.com/~angelsicedfire

2005-03-04T14:00:00.000-05:00

My birthday turned out pretty good. I went to dinner with my parents and ate LOTS of food. Then Brittany, Duran, Sara and Dylan all made me a 2 foot bamboo pipe (ITS FREAKING AWESOME) and I also got a bumper, headlight and horn from a wrecked car, which was also pretty damn cool.
Yesterday was very special... We had a very hard time trying to go see a movie. First we were gonna go to Franklin Theatres because we were in Franklin, but they didn't have any of the movies we wanted to see one, so we hauled ass to Sylva which is normally a 40 min drive (it took us 25) but once again the movie we wanted to see wasn't on, so we haul ass back to Franklin AGAIN this time in 18 minutes even though we went the long way (GO SCOTTIE) but once we got there Brittany remembered that there were'nt any showings at 9 on the weekdays... That was rough.
Today though I am going with Brittany and Duran to pick up Janet in like 2 hours!!! WHICH IS HHHAAAAPPPYYY!!!! <3<3<3 Other than that, nothing new here...

2005-03-02T01:14:00.000-05:00

I must say.... TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! YAY :-D I get to get my license today and and and all of that good stuff.
Anyways, I LOVE THIS SONG (I'm all hyped up on caffiene and SUGAR MWAHAHAHA)

SWEET DREAMS
mARILYN mANSON

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused!

I wanna use you and abuse you
I wanna know what's inside you

Movin' on
Hold your head up
Movin' on
Keep your head up (repeats 3x)

Movin' on!

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

I'm gonna use you and abuse you
I'm gonna know what's inside
Gonna use you and abuse you
I'm gonna know what's inside you

.

2005-02-27T17:51:00.000-05:00

It's SNOWING :)...
.
I also just got back from watching CURSED with Genna, Brad and Gena. It kinda sucked, but o well, it was nice being away from my house and the people in it. ALSO my birthday is wednesday and I GET MY LICENSE... if I pass the test anyway...
.
So that is VERY happy because I can just, leave, if I want to, and I don't have to depend on any one else to get me where I'm going!!! I get to see Janet for my birthday too, but not until the 11th ~:(~ I can't wait!!!!
.
Other than that I've been doing nothing. Well I did go and see HITCH last night with Brittany, Duran, Sarah and Scottie... It was a good movie but I couldn't stand the people I was with any longer so I ended up only seeing half of it. Whatever, hopefully I'll have "me-time" again, with out people who annoy me...

2005-02-23T10:45:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's been so long since I last posted. Lots of shit has happened these past 2 weeks. My grandmother had to go to the hospital for 4 days because she had pnumonia(SP??, then the second day she was in there my grandfather had a major heart attack and had to be air lifted to the Asheville hospital. So last Thursday he had triple-bypass surgery that took 7.5 hours. They are both fine but now my mom is always in Sylva with them. I haven't seen her in 6 days and my dad has been pretty absent too. He just goes to work and sleeps. I guess it's kind of nice not being hastled and yelled at, but then again Brittany is also living with me (which is REALLY not going so well... We were supposed to be at school and hour and a half ago FYI). It's like I can't do anything with out her, she just LATCHES on and expects you to care for her but you definatly can't depend on her. In exchange for her living here she is supposed to take me to school because obviously neither of my parents can, but she always finds some excuse to get out of it. Like today, she said we were going to leave at 9 a.m., so I'm up and ready to go and I go to get her up, but the doors locked, so its 9 and I knock on the door, she answers and says she is getting up. So I wait another 1/2 hour, still no sign of her, so I knock again on her still locked door, she answers again and says she is definatly getting up. So I wait another half hour and try to get her up AGAIN, she even says she will get up. This is how I ended up here. I know it's not nice to get up early but fuck, she has to have some sense of responsibility... RIGHT?!?! Well maybe not... what ever. At least I escaped last night. I went with Genna to her Lamaz (sp??) class, and the sad thing is, I had more fun with her in those 4.5 hours than I have since I last saw her on the 15. Her baby is due March 14th, and it's really exciting. She is at the stage where it looks like she is gonna pop. She has already picked out names and they are pretty sure it's going to be a boy, but they're not positive. I'm also looking forward to seeing Janet for my birthday, which I will hopefully have my liscense by then so I will be able to drive down to see her, but I don't know if I'll be able to get my liscense because Brittany won't get the fuck out of bed. I REALLY hate depending on undependable people... I'm done now

2005-02-13T21:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I miss being alone...

2005-02-02T08:48:00.000-05:00

I feel like this only a million times worse
.

NO more metaphorical bullshit. I'm tired of avoiding the fucking point. I hate this, everything about this, where I live, the people here, this FUCKING TOWN, people who are slipping away, I hate it all. I know all i ever fucking do is complain but I don't give a SHIT about what you think. Everyone should just go stick a burning shoe up their ASS. Brittany has been living with me lately and the only thing she ever does is complain about how bad her life is and it's basically ME ME ME, it's very tiring, but I am sure any one reading this thinks I am exactly the same way, whatever, I don't give a shit anymore. I could just go walk off a fucking million thousand trillion foot cliff and not give a shit. I feel so betrayed, like I am being replaced by EVERYONE. Nobody likes me best (yay for Birdcage) but then again what can you expect. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything worth living for is falling apart and its never coming back. All I want to do is scream at every one and break everything, its like all of the past few months have just hit me. I knew before that I was a fucking retard but everything that happens puts me as the retarded pondscum on a retards shoe in a retard bus driving through a retard town. One thing to look forward to is Friday because I get to see Janet. Living with the people around here has made me realize EXACTLY how much I miss her, Anna and Charlotte. I miss Salem like crazy too, but thats ancient history and every one has forgotten. I CAN'T BELIEVE I THREW ALL THAT SHIT AWAY, IM SO GOD DAMNED FUCKING STOOOOOOPID and I should be burried ALIVE in a trillion ton pile of every kind of shit. I really don't know if any of this is worth it anymore. Now I feel so retarded for being so weak and stupid. I should just fucking suck it up and dissappear off the face of the Earth.
It never should have been like this, but here I am, crumpled and pathetic...

2005-01-29T14:10:00.000-05:00

Everything seems so fake, everyone is acting and nothing is real. Everything you do is just screaming for attention. Sometimes I just wish you would stop your games and see that you are just hurting yourself. I can't watch you slip away and let your own self pity swallow you up.
.
It's like everything is on fire but you don't want to believe it, so you sit and let the flames devour you. Everything keeps shattering and you keep screaming but you've lost your voice.
.
Silently you fall into something you can't control, following every wrong sign with out even thinking until you've reached the last place you want to be.

NOW YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A MEMORY

.

2005-01-27T23:35:00.000-05:00

~*(TO SOMEONE WHO MATTERS THE MOST)*~

HOT ACTION COP
"Busted"

Everybody knows trouble is easy to get
Burned out dealer to the teachers pet
For some fun there is always sex
Hiding in the corner like a shy t-rex
Mmmmmmmmmmmm..mmmmmmm

Around your home are the ways and means
Guns hiding under porno magazines
There’s booze and thrills, cheap thrills and dreams
Murder is a game on a pc screen

[Chorus1]
Little baby lost to the world outside
Trying not to let anyone inside
Learning what you get from a TV set
And it makes you crazy
Hiding all the way on the bathroom shelf
Busted in the mirror by an image of yourself
Beautiful as this whole world can be, you just don’t see it
And it makes me crazy, yeahhh..Aww

This chicks trying to pay for things
Swinging from a pole with a nipple ring..(yeah)
This dudes trying to ease the stain
Tying of his arm with a nylon string

Mirror mirror can you tell
If they are kneeling in confession or if they just fell
The mirror looks back and it knows damn well
It’s really hard living when you’re living with yourself

[Chorus2]
Little baby lost to the world outside
Trying not to let anyone inside
Only love you get is from a TV set
And it makes you crazy
Hiding all the way on a bathroom shelf
Busted in the mirror by an image of yourself
Talking in your head
Laying awake in bed in the twightlight screaming

And it makes me crazy
It drives me crazy yeah
It makes me crazy yeah…
Awwwwww wahhh awww wahhhh

Everybody lost to the world outside
Trying to fill a hole that will grow till the day that you die
Never knew it would be this way
Living in a place that u never wanna face night and day
Never knew it would be this way
And it drives me crazy

Everybody lost to the world outside
Losing all control of the boat they drive
Only love you get is from a TV set
And it makes you crazy

Hiding all the way on the closet shelf
Busted in the mirror by an image of yourself
Talking in your head laying awake in your bed
And it makes me crazy

.

2005-01-10T03:05:00.000-05:00

.

I sat at the edge of my dream...{watching a lost thought wander through the jumbled maze of a helpless mind. 'Perhaps wishes really do come true' the forgotten souls whisper into a confused wind, passing like an incoherent breath of a distant stranger. A truth once known, but long forgotten on the moment before waking, and forgotten once awake. Tattered thoughs bleeding through a decieved eye, only as a cover to the cluttered and confused existience}...watching reality slip away, nothing is as it seems

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2004-12-30T03:03:00.000-05:00

~*~NOTHING BUT A DREAM~*~

They ran, running, screaming, playing and laughing... like pale white dogs under the full moon. They scattered, regrouped, and ran again. I couldn't ever get a good look at their tiny white faces, filled with something mysterious. Everytime I got close enough to see their scared eyes, they would dodge out of the way, screaming and laughing as they darted the other way. Their small leather shoes clicked and tapped as they ran lightly across my wooden floor, their childish laughs echoed through the other wise, quiet, night stricken room. I felt trapped by their pale white faces, like flurries of snowflakes in the dark. They didn't seem scared, even though they were all alone in the dark, but they weren't victims of the black trap as I was. Then, as I reached out my fumbling arms to catch one of them, I realized why they had no fear of the dark, their white faces constantly blurred, their dark laughing eyes mysterious in the blackness...

...they were all dead...

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2004-12-17T21:50:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have been dead for the past few weeks... but I guess it wouldn't really matter if I were. I'm know I'm selfish, and I'm SOO SORRY for hurting you, but I guess you will never believe me, I've dug myself into a deep dark never ending pit of nothingness. I never meant to hurt you, but my selfish actions hurt you. I do miss you and love you, but you don't have to believe me, If you had hurt me the way I hurt you, I wouldn't believe me, but I just wanted you to know I'm sorry for hurting you and I still love you even if you hate me with every fiber of your being. I just keep breaking, into smaller and smaller pieces, nothing but shards of plastic, not even good enough to be glass. I just wish it were all over, once and for all, but maybe it will be soon... I love you all... believe it or not....

2004-12-09T11:56:00.000-05:00

.

Last night my parents decided they wanted to talk, yeah that was GREAT... apparently they think there is something hurting me, killing me, making me sad... I couldn't yell at them and tell them it was because my Everything had been torn away from me once again. I couldn't tell them that everything was going great ever since she came into my life, and nothing was a problem until they ripped us apart. They think I am going down the wrong path because of the drugs... It's not like I DONT ALREADY KNOW THIS!!! They keep telling me that I am depressed and that I am going to a) end up dead or b)end up in prision or c)end up in a mental institution. FUCK THEM, I don't care about them, the only thing that matters is my Everything. I can't stand living with out her, actually it's not living, it's slowly decaying from the inside out. So now I have to go to counceling and be put on anti-depressants, but the only thing that is going to help is being with my Everything without hinderance.

"We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
...but they keep waiting
...and picking and picking and picking and picking..."

<3I LOVE YOU<3

I'm stuck in a ball where nothing makes sense
.

We are worlds apart, but we still look at the same moon...
.

One day we will fly again
.

Everywhere I look I am only looking at sadness
.

NINE INCH NAILS
~*~FRAGILE~*~
She shines
In a world full of ugliness
She matters
When everything is meaningless

Fragile
She doesn't see her beauty
She tries to get away
Sometimes
It's just that nothing seems worth saving
I can't watch her slip away

I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart

She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by
Hoping someone can see
If I could fix myself i'd -
but it's too late for me

I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart

We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
...but they keep waiting
...and picking and picking and picking and picking...

It's something I have to do
I won't let you fall apart
I was there, too
I won't let you fall apart
Before everything else
I won't let you fall apart
I was like you
I won't let you fall apart

2004-12-07T13:06:00.000-05:00

I feel like I fell righ out of a bad movie into this black-hole called relaity. I am so sorry I blew my one chance to hold you. It's just like in Gia where she is asked to choose her love or the drugs, and she chose the drugs. I never menat to choose the drugs over you, but once again the devil stepped in. I AM SO SORRY!!! I should have held you, held you so tight and never let go. But my selfishness was the thing that tore me away. I broke myself this time, blinded by my love for not being me. But I would be me for all of eternity if it meant I could be with you forever. I don't know how long I can go on living like this, this dead, meaningless existience. I can't even breathe anymore. Now more than ever, I need you, the one thing that the world keeps me away from. Now it seems like there is no hope because it was my second chance, and I FUCKED IT UP AGAIN!! I am like some prowling, scraggly demon that is in love with an Angel, and all of heaven knows it and is beating me back into the darkness, killing every piece of hope that once was. I don't even know what to say to tell you how dead and meaningless life is without you, and now I can't see anyways of bringing you back. I am so sorry for everything, and the only reason I am still living is to see you again, to be with you again, even though it seems COMPLETLY HOPELESS. I have to beleive that one day I will be with you again... nothing else can keep me alive except for that hope, my one hope, my only hope, of being with you.

2004-11-28T06:29:00.000-05:00

I can't even begin to describe how I feel, about anything, about everything. There is this burning waterfall of lava boiling over into every part of my body that makes me want to burst. Burst out in laughter, in blood, in tears, in screams, into anything but this silence. Silence like an unseen falling star, colliding into another, but with no one there to see the magic. It's like my world has shattered into a million, thousand, trillion fragments that are now only my imagination, my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my love, my everything, and I can't catch any of the dying embers that were left behind. I've been thrown into a small metal box where the only place to turn is only the next place to run from, and I'm quickly running out of space. No matter how hard I try to escape I keep slipping, falling, stumbling into an unknown place, where I have always feared being. I don't know what to do any more, what to think any more, what to feel any more. I feel so terrible, so alone, so lost, so worthless and so indescribable, that I can hardly funtion anymore. All I want in this whole entire universe is to be able to breathe again, to be free again, to be able to have you with me every second, of every minute, of everyday, to have things the way they were, those perfect experieces, perfect moments, perfect everythings that I can now only pray for, cry for and dream of. All I want is to be able to escape from here and be anywhere with you. I'm so confused becasue everything seems so wrong. Every movement, every though of every day is empty and meaningless... I can't live this empty existence that every evil has set before me...

2004-11-15T02:32:00.000-05:00

Hard to believe I have survived this long with out my Everything... I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I wouldn't exactly call it living though, more like a series of movments laid out by the devil himself for me to follow in my hollowness. Even though I just got back from sneaking out with Genna it was empty and meaningless with out you. I gave you my heart and soul and they ripped it and you away from me, with their sterile, unforgiving hands and empty eyes. But nobody saw you the way I did, or felt you the way I did, when Everything was taken. Nothing matters anymore only that I will see you again. I love you more than ANYTHING EVER and please believe I will come for you, in any and every way possible. You are my life, so please don't leave me behind and live it without me. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! LEMONADE!!

2004-11-10T23:54:00.000-05:00

Today was the day I was broken. I got expelled from Salem, but I don't regret it, I don't regret anything except for one thing... I regret that I couldn't be with you, that I can't be with you now. I miss you so much I can't even think aboutit, it hurts so much. You are my everything and I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

We can dance through the fire,
Even when falling stars,
Pierce me skin,
I will never let you go.
You are my everything.

2004-10-21T18:01:00.000-04:00

It's been an interesting week once again... It's only thursday and I have been fat twice. HAHAHA both times during art, well we weren't in art. I can see that one, smokin up with the Chicken Lady! WOO, no. Anyways, um, yeah so lots of food and lots of sheeping. May I also add I LOVE MY SHEEP, MY NUBB AND MY GEORGE, they are the bestest EVER. This past weekend was intersting too. Friday night Anna came to visit and we went to Borders. Anna played the guitar for money, but to no avail, except for the 4 dollars I gave her and the dollar MPK gave. We were gonna get fat there but didn't because some other obese people got caught so we got fat in the car in the graveyard, which was fun and WOAH, we raved....anyways... I LOVE MPK and Carol too, they are fun. TEHE, I am in a slap-happy mood. Something much different from the DEATHNESS of the rest of this journal. Saturday we stayed here and walked downtown and ate a GINORMOUS burger. Then went out with Anna and Mike Underwood (heh) and got La Carreta. Then Nubb, Sheep and I came back to school, after an adventerous trip to Wal-Mart, and made a blankie, watched a movie, smoked some cigarettes and made some fairy wings. Then sunday we went to the Ren Fest wich was FUN . There are lots more details but I am to lazy to write them all...

2004-10-15T13:00:00.000-04:00

DISTURBED
Numb

Bleeding now I'm
Crying out I'm
Falling down and I'm
Feeling nothing like
Laughing now I'm
Stopping now I'm
Reaching out and I'm
Feeling nothing

Yeah, you have created a rift within me
Now there have been several complications
That have left me feeling nothing
I might say, you were wrong to take it from me
Left me feeling nothing

Crawling now I'm
Beaten down I'm
Tortured now and I'm
Feeling nothing like
Hunting now I'm
Stalking now I'm
Reaching out and I'm
Killing nothing

I can feel you ripping and teaching
Feeding and growing inside of me
I want this, more than you know
I need this, give it back to me

.
.

2004-10-10T19:59:00.000-04:00

So am I really so selfishly slipping away? I feel it, inside my soul. The tearing of your life, chrasing into mine, now more than ever. But your stretched, between us, a void I want to cross but never will be able to. No windo of opprotunity can grant this wish. Unless you risked it all to save me, and push me into your other world. But I guess you will never know, so I will be left, espically when I pry your fingers from the edge and throw you away, back into the void of which you have the fate to escape from. Those who have nothing else, throw their one possesion away. So good bye to you forever.

2004-10-05T13:16:00.000-04:00

I'm Sorry: A Warning to You

So I'm drowning,
In all of the lies,
I've been living in.
I'm sorry for what I've done,
For what I've become,
For me.
I never meant,
To do the things I've done,
To run away,
And make you stay in my wake.
But now I am invisible,
And I don't care,
And I might just disappear.
So hold your tongue,
And realized just how deep,
You are,
Before I kill again.
So remember not the last,
But the first,
And leave,
Before I untie your strings,
And make you come undone.
Always know I love you,
Despite the things I'm bound to do.

2004-09-29T18:01:00.000-04:00

Pretty blazed...wow and everything is so pretty. Yeah so I went to the mall because we can't go to thruway anymore. Then I asked these 2 girls Charity and Jessica to buy me some candi. Heheehehe I got a little more than I bargained for. HOLY SHIT...so yeah I got some King too. I am soooo listening to Elvis right now. Mm k... I went with out Janet and Charlotte, I had to get away from everything at this school. I LOVE MY SHEEP AND MY NUBB SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!! And my Anna. TONSES!!! Ok wow so yeah HOTT...

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2004-09-28T18:48:00.000-04:00

I finally know what it is. I am not worthy of being your friend. It's all so clear now, I don't know why I didn't see it before. I am a worthless piece of nothing trying to hold onto the greatest things in the world...you all. Maybe you can't see exactly how wonderful you all are now, but in the end you will. Why is it so hard to hold onto everything you want?

.
.
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2004-09-27T21:42:00.000-04:00

I am a nobody who can do nothing is this world full of everything

2004-09-21T18:22:00.000-04:00

The Unicorns Horn and Her Spilt Blood

And so life goes on. I almost died last night, shivering and shaking in that cold, desolate bathroom. It seemed as if I were suspended in air, floating gently until some one cut my silver lined cords. But no one could see me falling, through my invisiblity, to the realm of the real. Every now and then I could feel my arm drip the tears of vampires into the brown and white bedding encompassing it. I never knew how to fly before then, I had wings but they were cut with my razor-blades tears. Now once again I am so sober it hurts and I can't seem to stand my selfishness. Can't you even see me? The drugs, they make you, make you anything you want to be, but I guess we all fall sometimes, all the time. And now I've lost it, all of my concentration to the nothingness, the void, the lost. And with the kiss of the fairy I have now become smeared with unforgiving scars and nothing can see through them, not me, not you. The words of the silent can only be seen in the stains left by their turning heads, through the water of the dead and dying. And it keeps going on like this, in this unforgiving circle that will never end.

2004-09-04T19:40:00.000-04:00

{First of all NET NANNY is a BITCH and won't let me update my blog, that's why it's been so long. Secondly I wrote this last night (well early this morning)}

We walked somewhere new today, somewhere we had never been. Yet it all seemed the same. Every leaf, every tree, every step, every thought, every word. I thought everything inside of me would change, would escape, would be new. Change from everything I hated to everything I loved. But I was wrong, and it keeps going the same way as before, in a spinning circle that never ends. I can’t escape what I hate because it is what I have become. Every part of me hates and can’t escape. Every emotion and thought are pent up like hungry, wild dogs, tearing at me, eating away at me, killing me. And I kept screaming, and screaming to get out, but not one could hear, not even you. It’s like I’ve died and now I have become a rotting corpse in the hot sun, where every one can see, but no one notices. I am something disgusting, that I cant’ even face.

They yelled, “Have you fallen lately?” and I screamed to get out. But this cardboard, box, filled with lavender and white lilies, won’t tear or break and I am suffocating. I keep pushing on my skin, but you can’t feel me underneath yours.

It all came back to me then and there, but it was empty. It was empty like me. When I kept calling you, you were empty too, nothing behind those sad, tear-stained eyes could say anything different. Your life keeps decaying, like rotting bones, in worm-infested dirt, and the only thing you can feel is the fire. The fire of every hateful scream directed at yourself, like standing in a cinerary filled with your ever-burning ashes.

When we stopped where we had never been before, it was every place we had been, and we died all over again.

~Written by ME!!!

2004-08-19T21:07:00.000-04:00

Memories,
Like a vampire,
Drain me into a thick,
Tarnished glass,
Which you can see through,
But I can never escape.
Sitting in 17 years of dust,
On a tired table.

Like smoke,
From a half-burning cigarette,
In the light of the rain worn shadows,
It lingers,
Threatening to suffocate you still.

I am nothing but your memories.

2004-08-18T23:27:00.000-04:00

SLIPKNOT
DUALITY

(I push my fingers into my) Eyes
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it’s made of all the things I have to take
Jesus it never ends, it works its way inside
If the pain goes on…

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I waited as my time’s elapsed
Now all I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I’ll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You’re left with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pains goes on I'm not gonna make it!

Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the pieces
Then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality
Is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way
Nothing is what it seems!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it’s made of all
The things I have to take
Jesus it never ends
It works its way inside
If the pain goes on
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got
All I've gone is insane!
All I've got
All I've gone is insane!
All I've got!
All I've gone is insane!
All I've got!
All I've gone is insane!
All I've got
All I've gone is insane!
All I've got
All I've gone is insane!

I push my fingers into my eyes
It’s the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it’s made of all
The things I have to take
Jesus it never ends
It works its way inside
If the pain goes on
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got
All I've gone is insane!
All I've got
All I've gone is insane!
All I've got!
All I've gone is insane!
All I've got!
All I've gone is insane!

2004-08-18T01:27:00.000-04:00

Drowning in my selfish dispare. This life is fake, let me bleed. It's not like you really care anyways.

Did you forget about me when you loved my other half? Have you ever really loved me? Why can't anyone love me best?

Everything will pass, even this. Then I will be happy once again. Can you even acknowledge my presence? Was I ever real to you?

I'm not real to myself so why does this knife of love for another hurt so much? So many questions and never an answer good enough to mean anything.

I can't cry for anyone besides you so why am I crying because of you? All of this fabricated shit hurts more than anything real.

THIS MEANS NOTHING.
I AM NOTHING.
Why can't you see how selfish I really am.
Run away while you still can.
Words fail when I need them most.
Everything seems to do that...

IGNORE ME, JUST FUCKING IGNORE ME... I AM NOTHING BUT A SELFISH PILE OF SHIT. SELFISHLY DYING, SELFISHLY CRYING.

I want you to run away so I have a real reason to cry. FUCK ME AND ALL OF MY SELFISH LIES AND SELFISH BULLSHIT.

Does this really make anything BETTER?
No...

2004-08-13T22:45:00.000-04:00

Crossfade
"Cold"

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you

And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

2004-08-10T00:11:00.000-04:00

FUCK IT!!!.... I'm dead

2004-08-07T22:03:00.000-04:00

You're eyes are so cold,
and you can't ever quite reach the flame.
You always feel like you are missing something,
a part of you,
something you seem you'll never find.

And each day,
grows nearer to the end of something.
Something you don't want to leave,
something you don't want to change.
Something you know you'll ultimately lose.

You're becoming more numb,
only consumed by the nothingness,
more and more each day.
You don't want to hold on,
but for some reason you always do.

Now you can't find yourself,
lost in all these lies.
Something you never meant to do,
but ultimately did.
And you wonder, "Why can't I change."

You feel like you're overreacting,
drawing away from the world.
The things you want to hold onto,
feel like they are running away.
And you turn grey.

Sometimes you wish you could feel,
anything but the hate.
And sometimes you wish you were numb,
so you can't hear the words,
every one is screaming at you.

Drown out the world,
in all of your lies and hate.
But nothing will ever fix you,
because you are broken,
Just like me.

2004-08-03T17:09:00.000-04:00

I got home last sunday from the beach, with Janet (puuuu). It was FUN :-D!!!! That was the 25th of July.... WOW. Today's Tuesday the 3rd. ONLY 24 MORE DAYS. I had to get up at 6 this morning and go for Drivers Ed in-car shit. Then to work at 10 and just got off about 20 min ago (its 5:10) I have this new obsession with writing the exact time and date down when ever I write somethig... So yeah. I AM BORED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND. People at work are starting to piss me off. What ever, I only have 19 days left with them!! Thank GOD, although I will miss the internationals. HEHE, I was over at their trailors last night from around 6-10:30 and wow, YAY for alcohol. I had 4 shots of vodka and 2 1/2 beers. Hehe I was a little tipsy. Then Nickolay was asking me math questions to see how sober I was. Yeah I failed. Then I said to him, "hopefully my mom won't be asking me any math quesions", yeah well guess what she did.... asked me a fucking math question. It was interesting. I also got to see me baby ANNA (from the Ukraine) . I hadn't seen her since last summer! Other than that nothing new except for the same old work and home. Anyways now that I have told you my whole life STORY.... yeah. I probably won't be posting again for some time...but I guess it doen't really matter...hahahhaha...ha....

2004-07-19T23:45:00.000-04:00

I WANT TO DISAPPEAR
marilyn manson

Look at me now I've got no religion
Look at me now I'm so vacant
Look at me now I was a virgin
Look at me now grew up to be a whore
And I want it
I believe it
I'm a million different things
And not one you know

Hey and our mommies are lost now
Hey, daddy's someone else
Hey, we love the abuse
Because it makes us feel like we are needed now
But I know
I wanna disappear

I wanna die young and sell my soul
Use up all your drugs and make me come
Yesterday man, I was a nihilist and now today
I'm too fucking bored by the time I'm old enough
I won't know anything at all

Hey and our mommies are lost now
Hey, daddy's someone else
Hey, we love the abuse
Because it makes us feel like we are needed now
But I know
I wanna disappear

2004-07-12T20:18:00.000-04:00

Nothing new, I've been house sitting since friday, change is always good. I'm so tired of bullshitting. I love the BS club, but why does it seem like every part of my life is bullshit. Every action, every word, every smile, anything I do is dripping with lies and bullshit. That's a mental picture for you. I'm so fucking tired of my perfect life. I know I have said this before, but everything in my life is good. Everything is complete and whole, except for myself. I don't know what to do and any help I recieve will just be killed. Killed by my nothingness and incompletion. Every thing seems to fit some where, neatly and nicely, except for me. Everything is going in circles, my least favorite shape at the moment. It's a smooth transition of one thing back to the same old shit, over and over again. Every one has their fears, their loves, their sadness, their idocincracies(sp) but I am nothing. I am so pathetic and useless, fuck it if you have even read this far. Excuse my brutality toward everything. Maybe anger can save me from this circle. Maybe it can bend, and twist and discontort this circle into a jagged, piece of unconformed, wire. I'm not even making sense, am I? Oh well, fuck it, HA. I can't even say what I want to. Just, I don't know. JUST FUCK IT, everything, everyone, especailly myself. Fuck worrying, fuck feeling, just fuck it all.

2004-07-09T02:51:00.000-04:00

Korn
It's On

Come on!
Save some for me, it's what I like.
I wanna play, you know it's time.
Something is calling, I can't keep from falling.
Come on!
It's on!
Now see it's my fault, angels stabbing me inside.
Nothing changes, just rearranges, for me this time.
Once I cave in, what can I fight?
I can never win, my self I don't like,
I don't like, I don't like, I don't like.
Something is calling, I can't keep from falling. Come on!
It's on!
You see it's my fault, angels stabbing me inside.
Nothing changes, just rearranges, for me this time.
This time. This... time.
For me, inside. Put me inside.
Hold me, this time. Put me inside.
Come on!
It's on!

2004-07-04T03:42:00.000-04:00

WHY ARE YOU SO GOD DAMNED WEAK!?!?!? WEAK, WEAK, WEAK... sometimes screaming at myself works...

2004-07-04T03:09:00.000-04:00

Work is rough. But I really shouldn't complain because that means less time at home and less time to think. I hate thinking, I have said that before. Thinking, and other things, lead to Gerrard Nikolai... This summer is so much different than last summer. I actually know people here, who CALL me?!?! WTF. I don't even want friends here, is that sad? I don't want to be connected in any way with this whole god damned area. I never ever want my friendships to change with mi charolastras. I feel like if I am here and have people to go hang out with then I will lose them. Nothing is making sense anymore. I can't think about one thing with out it leading to another. I can't get any feelings off my chest, except for my lies. I'm breaking inside and I feel so helpless, alone, selfish. I can't even tell the truth to myself sometimes. The lies are so much easier and more fun and more interesting. I am so GOD DAMNED SELFISH. I seriously can't feel anything. NOTHING, and when I cried it felt so good, because it was real. I was no longer wearing my fake smile, breathing my fake air, living in my fake world. I WAS REAL, for the fleeting moment that I don't think I will ever have again. I hate this, I hate every thing but I can't feel the hate. ALL I WANT TO DO IS FEEL. I HATE and I'M DEAD are the only true things I can say right now. I can't even end this god damned post. GRRR. I want to push you away so bad, but I will never go away... everything is so perfect in the dark...

KORN
No Way

Lately things won't go my way,
Lately everything is grey.
It feels like something.
It feels like ...nothing.

So I came to far,
To end up this way,
Feeling like I'm God.
Feeling there's no way.

So angry for today,
Angers the only thing I made,
It feels like something,
No it's... nothing.

So I came to far,
To end up this way,
Feeling like I'm God.
Feeling there's no way.

I don't want.. to live this way..
Hating feeling falling to the place where,
People haunt me.
I can't help but keep from falling,
to the place where people call me.
I can't..
WAIT .. TO .. GIVE ..THEM..
These feelings I'm hating,
Deep down inside me,
For all to take.
They're ripping at me (x3)

So I came to far,
To end up this way,
Feeling like I'm God.
Feeling there's no way.

So I came to far,
I don't want.. to live this way..
To end up this way,
Hating feeling falling to the place where people haunt me.
Feeling like I'm God.
I can't help but keep from falling,
Feeling there's no way.
to the place where people call me.

I don't want to live this ...way.
...live this way.

2004-06-29T03:24:00.000-04:00

This place is REALLY starting to get to me. I am going into social withdraw, NO ONE has been on lately. Everything is so quiet and not a good relaxing quiet, oo no. The tense whats going to happen next queit. HA ok I am REALLY fine (pfftehehe). I need to work more, and NOT be in this house ANYWHERE. This house is like a bad addction. You constatly find youself there even if you dont want to be, even if you didn't know you were. Wow the drugs are kicking in, WOO HOO finally. YAY for sleep. Ok to much thinking and I am now going... UPSTAIRS!

2004-06-23T03:40:00.000-04:00

I hate thinking. Thinking things like: What am I doing to myself? I hate remembering. I hate every part of my entire being, even the rage that I have towards everything I hate. Everything is a spiral, that keeps pulling me down, burring me, smothering me. I can't think about anything, because it always leads to something. I hate my expectations. Nothing is ever right enough or wrong enough, or big enough, or small enough or anything enough to fit any where. I hate having eyes in the back of my head when the ones in front of me can see nothing. I wish I could feel the hate. But the only thing I can seem to feel is empty. Emptiness is surging through my body, replacing my life. Everything is living in an empty existence. Beyond here I can't see, and I don't want to listen. I know where I am going, I don't want to accept the change that is taking me towards those last few steps. Sometimes I wish everything were real, but I guess to live, would be an awfully big adventure. I just wish nothing had to end the way it does, but se la vie (such is life).

"Take my soul, it's useless." I said

The only reply was was my dark-claoked Knights sweeping of the blade.

"Ingore my insanity, some of us are merely born to die." And there I lay for a thousand years before the tattered-pink faries came for my decaying bones. A quick retreat from a dying place.

2004-06-20T18:23:00.000-04:00

The sweet life of lounging around doing nothing BUT PULLING OUT MY HAIR FROM INSANITY!
It's GREAT really (grr). I bet some of you reading this think I have no fucking reason
to complain, well FUCK OFF, I am gonna fucking complain if I WANT TO! I don't give a
damn about anything anymore, so SHOVE IT. Right now I would rather be ANYWHERE but
HERE, preferably curled up in a small hole somewhere only the charolastras can FINED
ME! Some day I will buy a whole, a small comfortable hole where only the charolastras
are allowed. We will always visit the magical land of the pink and tattered faries.
And when it rained there would be coffee and ALL OF THE CANDY you could imagine.
Nothing would ever change, except for the bad things. WOW ok I'm done.

2004-06-19T18:03:00.000-04:00

Coma White
(Marilyn Manson)

There’s something cold and blank behind her smile
She’s standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile
(coma):
You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won’t save her from herself

Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid that
Lost all her dolls
(coma):
You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won’t save her from herself

2004-06-17T20:18:00.000-04:00

These are the BEAUTIFUL people...

HE IS SO PRETTY (Twiggy)

Now for some Marilyn

AND NOW... TOGETHER

2004-06-16T00:16:00.000-04:00

two words:

HOLY FUCK

2004-06-13T19:27:00.000-04:00

Well I got back from the beach yesterday... I really didn't want to leave. I wish CHARLOTTE and ANNA
could have been there with us. I miss them so much, and I already miss Janet. I MISS THEM ALL.

So other than that everything is... well, normal. Drivers ED tomorrow... BLAH. NO MORE VISITS TO KING
PO for a while. I love King Po though. Well anyways I'm off to do nothing and stare at the TV screen.

2004-06-05T10:57:00.000-04:00

Well off to the beach today. That's about it, so yeah. Won't update for a while probably. WOO, well I must be off now the paternal unit awaits.

2004-06-03T20:08:00.000-04:00

Why can't I escape the world? GO AWAY!

2004-06-01T03:55:00.000-04:00

Ok I was home for all of 2 hours before I started talking to
inanimate objects. I am so bored. I also feel like I have a
thick layer of plastic covering my whole body, I can't feel
quite right, like all of my skin is numb. Not much else to
say really. I miss every one, and wish I could do somethings
over. To who know who you are: I'm sorry with all of my
heart, and the worst part of it was seeing you cry.

2004-05-28T01:44:00.000-04:00

I know I am already dead inside but why does it feel like I am dying more each day? I feel so alone, no matter how much some one says they will always be there for me. I can't stand being around all of these people. Things have changed and some people keep trying to go back to the way they were. Maybe I am the only one who can't accept any sort of change. I feel everything and nothing and I just want to get the hell out of here, one way or another. I wish I could express how much sorrow and longing there is, but I will never be able to. I wish I could sit down and weep, but nothing comes to my eyes. Only small trickles that evaporate away as soon as they touch the air. I just wish every one else knew how it was going to end, but no one will until it does.

2004-05-26T16:16:00.000-04:00

People make me want to hurl, again. STOP DOING THAT!

I have found out it is funny when some one you don't like cries because of you. I am a cold heartless bitch and I have no feelings left to give. You can watch me slip away. I don't care how tightly you are holding on, I will leave. My absence is a fact, not a wish.

2004-05-23T02:45:00.000-04:00

Is anybody out there,
Waiting for me?

Is there more to life,
Than my waiting?

Is there more to life,
Than my wanting?

Sometimes I wonder,
If there is anybody out there.

Is there anybody out there,
Waiting for my heart to stop?

Is there anybody out there,
Waiting for my breath to turn cold?

Sometimes I wonder,
If there is anybody but me.

Is there some one besides me,
Who wishes for impossible things?

Is there some one besides me,
Who has impossible dreams.

I'm so tired of waiting,
I'm so tired of wanting.

I'm so tired of wishing,
I'm so tired of me.

No more crying,
No more dying.

Only my impossible wishes,
And only my impossible dreams.

2004-05-20T22:31:00.000-04:00

Everything seems to happen all at once. Everything good, everything bad...but mostly bad, espically these past 2 weeks. I feel like I am drifting away, from the people I want to be close to and can't get far enough away from the people I don't want to. But no one knows which is which, except for me, and sometimes I don't even want to know. I am so tired of every one, well almost every one. I also think the people I want to be around are tired of me. Whatever, I just don't give a s.hit anymore.

2004-05-17T20:03:00.002-04:00

People make me want to throw up.

I'm so glad every one knows ME so f.ucking well, and that they are so right about ME, well just F.UCK off!!!!!!

2004-05-17T20:03:00.001-04:00

People make me want to throw up.

2004-05-17T20:03:00.000-04:00

People make me want to throw up.

2004-05-15T22:51:00.000-04:00

Why does all of this have to be so hard? Life is changing, and I'm going with it. People are chaning, life is chaning, just the whole freaking world is. Some times I wonder why it has to go down the hardest path though. Not the simple one where we all just get the f.uck over ourselves and the things that went on. I guess nothing will ever be that f.ucking simple...

2004-05-13T11:30:00.000-04:00

Really don't like the new set up, but that's besides the point. Some times I wonder if any of life is worth anything that we go through in it. Probably not. Whatever, I can't seem to think about aything at all. My brain is completly dead, but the rest of my body is still dying. I wish it were the other way around. GRRRR...thats about it.

2004-05-11T12:25:00.000-04:00

The world is breaking around you,
Your world is breaking.
Breaking around you,
Breaking because of others.

You sit and you stare,
And wonder why you are so empty.
Empty to the world,
Empty to yourself.

No matter how hard you try,
You can't seem to escape.
You can't stop your crying,
You can't seem to die enough.

You want to push the world out,
And close up your little box.
But the world is so much stonger,
And you can only close yourself.

Nothing makes sense,
Only the sense of breaking.
The crumbling days surround you,
With your broken life.

2004-05-09T01:50:00.000-04:00

Losing Creativity

You lose the colors,
In a sea of black and white.

Your words are lost,
To your unforgiving paper.

You feel distant,
Your longing pen won’t write,

You’ve lost all of the pieces,
To your game of life.

No matter how hard you try,
You can’t releaseyour feelings locked up inside.

Your creatlivty is kept,
By your invisible ink.

You push, and you cry,
But no matter how your tides turn,
You still have your paper,
All dressed in white.

2004-05-04T21:10:00.000-04:00

I'm tired of this same old shit. Going home to the same old house, with the same old trees, and the same old field with the same old problems. Then going on every day with the same old classes, and the same old work, the same old people, the same old routine, the same old problems, the same old fake smiles, the same old lying, just the SAME OLD EVERYTHING. I wish I could hold my breath for more than the same old amout of time.

2004-05-01T03:26:00.000-04:00

Why does every one want to try and 'save' me? Don' they understand that it is NEVER going to work?!? I do the things I do because I want to and I don't know of any better way to deal with things. I know it's not healthy, the way I cope, but maybe I am trying to die. I am so sick of every one being so f.ucking worried about me. I am going to do my thing, no matter what, so save yourself the trouble of trying to 'save' me. I don't like it when you're worried, because I am nothing to worry about. You think you can't just stop, but it's easy, turn your back and walk away, just like I have done towards myself. It's really not that hard.

2004-04-29T23:22:00.000-04:00

I just want to SCREAM... in any way I can.

2004-04-28T18:54:00.000-04:00

There are no ways to express how I feel. Betrayed, lost, apart from everything an every one. I just wish I were farther, I want to be so far away. But you keep holding me closer. I can't understand why you won't let me go, when you know it is inevitable. One way or another, you will have to leave me, or maybe I am leaving you. I AM LEAVING YOU, YOU CAN'T AVOID IT. I can't get this out in anyway that would make any sense or that would make you understand whats happeneing, and what is going to happen. I hope you see, but you can't save.

2004-04-27T20:03:00.000-04:00

Just make it stop.

Stop telling me how I feel,
Stop telling me how TO feel.

I can't live in this world of constant nagging.
I can't live in this world of constant pressure.

Stop wanting my affection,
Stop begging for my attention.

Please don't look for something in me that isn't there,
Plase don't expect me to do something I can't.

Stop worrying about me,
Stop pretending I'm great.

Just make the world stop,
And give me my fate.

2004-04-27T08:58:00.000-04:00

My body is killing me...

2004-04-25T16:50:00.000-04:00

Nothing like that should ever happen again. Way to f.uck things up Bay... way to f.uck them up...

2004-04-24T03:05:00.000-04:00

Sitting here, alone, all alone. Praying that one day something will happen, anything will happen. And I keep falling, and there are people there, to help, to pull me back up. But I do nothing for myself. I don't grab for them, I just sit silently and fall.

2004-04-23T13:01:00.000-04:00

She finds the night as her only solace,
The broken-hearted lover,
Of a love that never was.

How she longs to be a part of her comfort,
She can't look at her,
With out the pain of yesterday.

Oh handsome star-crossed,
If only you could be mine tonight,
I would make everything alright... tonight.

But you torn of your love that never was,
And I having a love that never will be,
Shall only stumble across one another in the night.

Alone and unseen,
The night is our only solace.

~me~
4-23-04
Ever wonder why you can't touch the one person you long to be close to?

2004-04-22T17:52:00.000-04:00

Missed another day of school, but quite frankly I don't really care, even if I am ######## myself over. I am so glad tomorrow is friday, even though I have like a million things to make up. I just don't care anymore. I wish it would just all be over. EVERYTHING. But I guess wishes never come true...

2004-04-20T21:30:00.000-04:00

My Immortal (Evanesence)

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

I'VE BEEN ALONE ALL ALONG

2004-04-19T20:20:00.000-04:00

Blah, am I just freakin blah

2004-04-11T04:05:00.000-04:00

I beat myself down, in order to run away from everything. I am scared to try something because I am afraid of failing. I would much rather not try and fail then try and fail.

I guess that is why I have given up on life, because I know I am going to fail...

Please don't try and save me, I don't even care enough to save myself.

2004-04-11T01:01:00.000-04:00

All I can do is endure... that is all I can do....

2004-04-08T00:19:00.000-04:00

I have been so far away, so very far away. Some times I wish I wasn't physically here, so I run away in my mind.

Please forgive me for being absent, sometimes I just need to run away...

2004-04-05T21:21:00.000-04:00

SamaramaX: i have a bag for you and everything
SamaramaX: and you can live in my doll house

Empressofdemons: HAHA YAY

SamaramaX: ill buy you lil barbie dresses
SamaramaX: HAAHAH
SamaramaX: barbie bay!!!!!!!!!!!!

Empressofdemons: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SamaramaX: hahahahahhahaha!!!!!!!!

Empressofdemons: NO NO NO ANYTHING BUT THAT

SamaramaX: anyyyyyything?
SamaramaX: lol

Empressofdemons: well

SamaramaX: ill give you a pet too

Empressofdemons: u know
Empressofdemons: lol
Empressofdemons: YAY

SamaramaX: avidez!
SamaramaX: hahahha
SamaramaX: but i wont shrink him
SamaramaX: and youll be smaller than him!
SamaramaX: HA!

Empressofdemons: AHH AND EATEN BY HER
Empressofdemons: lol

SamaramaX: yeah
SamaramaX: i will starve avi
SamaramaX: :-P

Empressofdemons: and let her firey wrath loose on me
Empressofdemons: lol

SamaramaX: :-D you know me tooooooo well

2004-04-04T03:06:00.000-04:00

BEST SMELLING COLOGNE EVER!!!

2004-04-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

I hate fighting with my friends. I hate being mean to them, even if they are mean to me. I just don't like getting mad, or showing people that I'm mad.

I didn't mean to be mean, but you were making me mad. You were the straw that broke the camels back. I didn't mean to blow up at you, I'm so sorry. I don't want to fight with you, or have it be akward between us. I love you and you are my friend. Don't forgive me but please don't make a big deal out of it.

2004-04-01T11:57:00.000-05:00

**THIS IS COMPLETLY JOSETTE'S, ALL HERS NOT MINE**

That I Can See In You

Beneath those sad and dreary eyes,
That seem to get sadder over time,
There's a piece of happiness and joy,
That I can see in you.
Wash away those teary cheeks,
And the frown that always seemed so bleak,
There's a little hopeful smile,
That I can see in you.
Over look those insecurites,
That make you think that you're not worhy,
There's beauty and it clearly shows,
That I can see in you.
Take away those many years,
That made you cry too many tears,
There's memories that make you laugh,
That I can see in you.
Look beyond the mask you wear,
An honest soul is hiding there,
There's potental and a beautiful grace,
That I'll always see in you.

By: Josette

**This is how I wish some people would see me, But I guess I am completly hopeless if they can't even see I am still alive**

2004-03-30T18:30:00.000-05:00

I'm bad, hit me, before I hit myself.

Maybe I already have.

I hope you are disgusted by me.

I am disgusting.

Watch me die before you, and you don't even see.

You are blind to me.

And I wish I couldn't see you.

I don't know what to feel.

And I wish I couldn't.

I guess it helps to be numb,

When you have a knife.

I am sick of being subtle.

WATCH ME BLEED.

(to who over commented on this a way long time ago: I wrote it...)

2004-03-29T18:48:00.000-05:00

Can you see these tears,
Forming in my eyes.
Watch my soul crawl,
Deep inside and die.

I look out through,
These tear stained eyes,
Constantly asking,
And wondering why.

Constantly questioning,
Every move I make.
Silently wondering,
What I should give and take.

Living in this world of harsh realities,
And broken dreams.
I am nothing,
Not even what I seem.

I see myself,
I fall around me.
I don't understand,
Why I can't leave me be.

I am my own worst critic,
I am only pretty in the dark.

I hide behind my lies,
I'm only pretty in the dark...

2004-03-26T22:21:00.000-05:00

Why does telling the truth hurt so much, espically when you know that the truth is going to hurt some one else in the long run, even though they can't see it because the truth you just told makes that person happy.

I'm just going to hurt you. I hurt every one.

I love my solitude.

2004-03-26T14:34:00.000-05:00

You are a moon shadow. With the moon as your source
you are a being of great mystery. Constantly
drifting, you descend into darkness to conceal
your brokenness. You have come to believe that
you are the only one you can rely upon for
constancy and safety that you need. But those
who know how to see you find enchanting beauty
in your wistfulness and fragility. It is to
them that you should flee, for their arms are
an open haven where your true light can finally
thrive..(please rate my quiz cuz it took me for
freaking ever to create)

What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-03-26T14:25:00.000-05:00

You have a Lost Soul. No one is really sure what
that can always mean, because it can be defined
in many ways. As Legend goes, lost souls were
the spirits of passed away people who are
neither in heaven nor hell. They walk the
earth, brooding mysteriously, always appearing
when you expect it least. So hence, if you have
a Lost Soul, then you are probably very
insecure and shy. Stuck in your own little box,
you watch the world fly by as a loner. You dont
know your place. You seemingly dont have a
place in society or an interest. You are a very
capricious person, and are confused and
frustrated about where you belong. You crave
for the sense and feeling of home-but have not
obtained it yet.

What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

Industrial rock! Just like Marilyn Manson, you
know what you have to say and you just say it!
I like you very much...just be careful you
don't scare me away...

What genre of rock are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-03-26T10:18:00.000-05:00

I sit here and wait...wait for something, anything, but yet there is nothing. Nothing but yelling, and the silent screams. My silent screams, that no one hears...

2004-03-25T17:04:00.000-05:00

This sucks. I just broke my sand dollar, sure I have 2 others, but this one was perfect. It was fine until we were 25 feet from the fucking house, then my dad hands it to me and poof ~~BROKEN~~.

I guess this shows that I can fuck up even the best of things...
Why do I always break perfection???

woopdie fucking do for ME!

2004-03-24T22:20:00.000-05:00

I want to be so close to you, but nothing is ever the way you want it to be.

Why is there always yelling?!?! Does it solve anything? NO. SHUT THE FUCK UP!

2004-03-18T23:17:00.000-05:00

HAHAHAHEHEHEHEHEH THAHAHAHAHA...wooo

40 Pixie STICKS and a Lolly.....

sugar sugar sugar....

X 10000000

2004-03-17T12:38:00.000-05:00

The F.U.C.K.I.N.G TAB keys isn't working! BAH, now I have to do everything by mouse!

Every feel like your friends don't really like you and they are only still hanging out with you to be nice? Stupid stupid people. Stupid stupid me. And we have art today, which makes me more depressed because I CAN'T DRAW THE F.U.C.K.I.N.G HUMAN BODY. Much less draw it from life. WHAT EVER.

OH and I don't really care about anything any one says. WHY THE H.E.L.L do you (some one in the room at the moment) keep bugging me, and telling me stupid s.h.i.t... I don't give a F.U.C.K about!!! GET A F.U.C.K.I.N.G CLUE!

Sorry I have to pud periods between f.u.c.k.i.n.g,and every other cuss word! D.A.M.N NET NANNY! It even blocks out c.o.c.k.r.o.a.c.h... see~~#########! I just want to lie in my bed and stare at the celling.

I don't want to sleep, I don't want to breath, I just don't want to do... anything.

What do I want to do? NOTHING

2004-03-16T18:37:00.000-05:00

I hate people, they should all ####### die...

ALL

and that's that.

I hate people, they are all ####### stupid....

STUPID

and thats that.

WHY THE #### AM I A HUMAN!?!

2004-03-15T19:12:00.000-05:00

Where the #### are the drugs when you need them?

Not HERE!

I really hate being alone with me. So ###### up, eveything. I am feeling sorry for myself, and I should be shot. Why doesn't anything work? I'm giving up and giving in.

I need a cigarette, and I never have before. Maybe I AM DYING, inside.

I really wish it would all end.

2004-03-14T22:53:00.000-05:00

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA....

2004-03-13T23:13:00.000-05:00

YAY...funness so far. SMORE FEST!! YEAH...but no mind altering substances, besides SUGAR!!! Then I saw Schiebe and we saw Footloose at School of the Arts. YAY!!!

Hopefully tomorrow won't suck.

2004-03-11T16:01:00.000-05:00

Definatly the perfect man... just goes to show you how I am attracted to feminine men wearing make up and in skirts.... plus he is Japanese and sings rock.... PERFECT, absolutly freaking perfect.... oh and hes bi.

But then again, I am also very attracted to the non feminine aspects of the male species...yet they still have 2 things in common.... make-up and...well you know...

2004-03-10T12:23:00.000-05:00

Long time no writie.... I feel sick, had a talk, lied, dead. Yeah, this is what my ####### life consists of.... neglected, hate, betraying, to myself.... why do I keep doing this, my fake smiles are getting shorter... shorter and are gone. Like my soul, dead, decaying, rotting, FAKE. I am just dead, my only solice is lying... things, that shouldn't be done...dead.