Down By The Bay, Where the Watermelons Grow

Wow long time no post!! Sad thing is I'm doing this at SCHOOL MUAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!

Lots has been going on, I'm never home due to my car, it's evil and manipulative and wants me to go out all the time. I guess that's why I wrecked it!!! I'm now rid of it's evilness!!!

OK that's all a bunch of lies!! I MISS MY CAR!!! I think I may have totaled it to :(
NO MORE JEEP!!! I may get my grandfathers truck to drive for a little while... It's kinda sad cuz it's DEFINATLY and old-mans-truck... oh well a vehicle is a vehicle... Thats about it tho...

but maybe I will post again before I get it!!!

I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes)
THE USED

Seemed to stop my breath
My head on your chest
Waiting to cave in
From the bottom of my...
Hear your voice again
Could we dim the sun
And wonder where we've been
Maybe you and me
So kiss me like you did
My heart stopped beating
Such a softer sin

(I'm melting, I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while

And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
Now

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
why cuts aren't healing
Learning how to love

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
And I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
(Stay with me lay with me now)

You could stay and watch me fall
And of course I'll ask for help
Just stay with me now
Take my hand
We could take our heads off
stay in bed just make love that's all
Just stay with me now

I'm melting (I'm melting)
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting

In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me
Lay with me
In your eyes
I lost my place
Could stay a while
and I'm melting
In your eyes
Like my first time
That I caught fire
Just stay with me lay with me
(Stay with me, lay with me)

In your eyes
Let's sleep till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes (I'm melting in your eyes)
Let's leave till the sun burns out
I'm melting in your eyes

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I had a pretty good day. I woke up around 4, took a shower, then around 5, I went to Ingles but stopped by Gennas before. We made plans for today/tomorrow. We're gonna go see a movie at 2 tomorrow!! YAY!!! Then when I came home from Ingles I got to go to Kerstins on my own and followed Duran and Britt down to Sylva where we went to Wendys's, McDonalds and WAL-MART!!! Heh and on the Way there Duran and I raced, but I left him behind at a red light!!! So I beat his ass!! MWhahaha My Jeep is KICK-ASS DUDE!!! It makes me happy...hehe then, yeah we went back to Kerstins, then to Franklin where we picked up Darrin. Then he beat my ass in his little fancy sports car coming back up to Cashiers. I was out driving till 2:30 a.m. THAT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY!!! I can't wait to take a road trip to see Janet, Anna and Charlotte!! And to go to graduation, cuz yeah, I'm graduating with my Salem class wether they LIKE it or NOT!!! MWHAHAHA!! So yeah I think I'm gonna head off to bed so I can be bright-eyed and bushie-tailed tomorrow ::slaps self:: You can slap me to next time I say that.... and now, for a picture of a car that looks exactly like mine... well not EXACTLY, but yeah...
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"Just Below It All"
03-10-05 (by me)

There's something quietly lingering,
Just below the surface of your deadened-silk skin.
Something only slightly known behind your faded stories.
Silent screams come from broken promises,
And shattered hope fails again.

Restrained tears invisibly burst,
Through fractued aqua-glass.
Pouring fourth like the unheard wishes,
Of skin slashed by hopelessness,
And breath blocked by ashen-clouds of a blistered life.

So unfaithful and consumed by fear,
That nothing is seen through ruby rags,
That drip thick-laced regret,
And strethcing long-shadowed lies,
Into the red-saturated sunset.

Only the rasied lines from missed fatalities,
Can take you back to what you've always, never known.

.

You have to find a way to escape,every now and then...
How many beers is too much?
I, personally, at this moment, am going on 7... WOO HOO... 7 seven 12's, not 7 40's, whew then I would be totally fucked... heh...
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Well Janet should be here with me right now, but she's not :(... Turns out our-friend MAC (COUGH) decided we couldn't go get her. We were even half way there when my mom called telling me to turn around. IT SUCKS, I was so excited and happy earlier, oh well, I guess good things can't last forever...

I kinda feel like this (heh)
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for a different post: livejournal.com/~angelsicedfire

My birthday turned out pretty good. I went to dinner with my parents and ate LOTS of food. Then Brittany, Duran, Sara and Dylan all made me a 2 foot bamboo pipe (ITS FREAKING AWESOME) and I also got a bumper, headlight and horn from a wrecked car, which was also pretty damn cool.
Yesterday was very special... We had a very hard time trying to go see a movie. First we were gonna go to Franklin Theatres because we were in Franklin, but they didn't have any of the movies we wanted to see one, so we hauled ass to Sylva which is normally a 40 min drive (it took us 25) but once again the movie we wanted to see wasn't on, so we haul ass back to Franklin AGAIN this time in 18 minutes even though we went the long way (GO SCOTTIE) but once we got there Brittany remembered that there were'nt any showings at 9 on the weekdays... That was rough.
Today though I am going with Brittany and Duran to pick up Janet in like 2 hours!!! WHICH IS HHHAAAAPPPYYY!!!! <3<3<3 Other than that, nothing new here...

I must say.... TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!! YAY :-D I get to get my license today and and and all of that good stuff.
Anyways, I LOVE THIS SONG (I'm all hyped up on caffiene and SUGAR MWAHAHAHA)

SWEET DREAMS
mARILYN mANSON

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused!

I wanna use you and abuse you
I wanna know what's inside you

Movin' on
Hold your head up
Movin' on
Keep your head up (repeats 3x)

Movin' on!

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

I'm gonna use you and abuse you
I'm gonna know what's inside
Gonna use you and abuse you
I'm gonna know what's inside you

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It's SNOWING :)...
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I also just got back from watching CURSED with Genna, Brad and Gena. It kinda sucked, but o well, it was nice being away from my house and the people in it. ALSO my birthday is wednesday and I GET MY LICENSE... if I pass the test anyway...
.
So that is VERY happy because I can just, leave, if I want to, and I don't have to depend on any one else to get me where I'm going!!! I get to see Janet for my birthday too, but not until the 11th ~:(~ I can't wait!!!!
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Other than that I've been doing nothing. Well I did go and see HITCH last night with Brittany, Duran, Sarah and Scottie... It was a good movie but I couldn't stand the people I was with any longer so I ended up only seeing half of it. Whatever, hopefully I'll have "me-time" again, with out people who annoy me...

Sorry it's been so long since I last posted. Lots of shit has happened these past 2 weeks. My grandmother had to go to the hospital for 4 days because she had pnumonia(SP??, then the second day she was in there my grandfather had a major heart attack and had to be air lifted to the Asheville hospital. So last Thursday he had triple-bypass surgery that took 7.5 hours. They are both fine but now my mom is always in Sylva with them. I haven't seen her in 6 days and my dad has been pretty absent too. He just goes to work and sleeps. I guess it's kind of nice not being hastled and yelled at, but then again Brittany is also living with me (which is REALLY not going so well... We were supposed to be at school and hour and a half ago FYI). It's like I can't do anything with out her, she just LATCHES on and expects you to care for her but you definatly can't depend on her. In exchange for her living here she is supposed to take me to school because obviously neither of my parents can, but she always finds some excuse to get out of it. Like today, she said we were going to leave at 9 a.m., so I'm up and ready to go and I go to get her up, but the doors locked, so its 9 and I knock on the door, she answers and says she is getting up. So I wait another 1/2 hour, still no sign of her, so I knock again on her still locked door, she answers again and says she is definatly getting up. So I wait another half hour and try to get her up AGAIN, she even says she will get up. This is how I ended up here. I know it's not nice to get up early but fuck, she has to have some sense of responsibility... RIGHT?!?! Well maybe not... what ever. At least I escaped last night. I went with Genna to her Lamaz (sp??) class, and the sad thing is, I had more fun with her in those 4.5 hours than I have since I last saw her on the 15. Her baby is due March 14th, and it's really exciting. She is at the stage where it looks like she is gonna pop. She has already picked out names and they are pretty sure it's going to be a boy, but they're not positive. I'm also looking forward to seeing Janet for my birthday, which I will hopefully have my liscense by then so I will be able to drive down to see her, but I don't know if I'll be able to get my liscense because Brittany won't get the fuck out of bed. I REALLY hate depending on undependable people... I'm done now

Sometimes I miss being alone...

I feel like this only a million times worse
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NO more metaphorical bullshit. I'm tired of avoiding the fucking point. I hate this, everything about this, where I live, the people here, this FUCKING TOWN, people who are slipping away, I hate it all. I know all i ever fucking do is complain but I don't give a SHIT about what you think. Everyone should just go stick a burning shoe up their ASS. Brittany has been living with me lately and the only thing she ever does is complain about how bad her life is and it's basically ME ME ME, it's very tiring, but I am sure any one reading this thinks I am exactly the same way, whatever, I don't give a shit anymore. I could just go walk off a fucking million thousand trillion foot cliff and not give a shit. I feel so betrayed, like I am being replaced by EVERYONE. Nobody likes me best (yay for Birdcage) but then again what can you expect. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything worth living for is falling apart and its never coming back. All I want to do is scream at every one and break everything, its like all of the past few months have just hit me. I knew before that I was a fucking retard but everything that happens puts me as the retarded pondscum on a retards shoe in a retard bus driving through a retard town. One thing to look forward to is Friday because I get to see Janet. Living with the people around here has made me realize EXACTLY how much I miss her, Anna and Charlotte. I miss Salem like crazy too, but thats ancient history and every one has forgotten. I CAN'T BELIEVE I THREW ALL THAT SHIT AWAY, IM SO GOD DAMNED FUCKING STOOOOOOPID and I should be burried ALIVE in a trillion ton pile of every kind of shit. I really don't know if any of this is worth it anymore. Now I feel so retarded for being so weak and stupid. I should just fucking suck it up and dissappear off the face of the Earth.
It never should have been like this, but here I am, crumpled and pathetic...

Everything seems so fake, everyone is acting and nothing is real. Everything you do is just screaming for attention. Sometimes I just wish you would stop your games and see that you are just hurting yourself. I can't watch you slip away and let your own self pity swallow you up.
.
It's like everything is on fire but you don't want to believe it, so you sit and let the flames devour you. Everything keeps shattering and you keep screaming but you've lost your voice.
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Silently you fall into something you can't control, following every wrong sign with out even thinking until you've reached the last place you want to be.

NOW YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A MEMORY

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~*(TO SOMEONE WHO MATTERS THE MOST)*~

HOT ACTION COP
"Busted"

Everybody knows trouble is easy to get
Burned out dealer to the teachers pet
For some fun there is always sex
Hiding in the corner like a shy t-rex
Mmmmmmmmmmmm..mmmmmmm

Around your home are the ways and means
Guns hiding under porno magazines
There’s booze and thrills, cheap thrills and dreams
Murder is a game on a pc screen

[Chorus1]
Little baby lost to the world outside
Trying not to let anyone inside
Learning what you get from a TV set
And it makes you crazy
Hiding all the way on the bathroom shelf
Busted in the mirror by an image of yourself
Beautiful as this whole world can be, you just don’t see it
And it makes me crazy, yeahhh..Aww

This chicks trying to pay for things
Swinging from a pole with a nipple ring..(yeah)
This dudes trying to ease the stain
Tying of his arm with a nylon string

Mirror mirror can you tell
If they are kneeling in confession or if they just fell
The mirror looks back and it knows damn well
It’s really hard living when you’re living with yourself

[Chorus2]
Little baby lost to the world outside
Trying not to let anyone inside
Only love you get is from a TV set
And it makes you crazy
Hiding all the way on a bathroom shelf
Busted in the mirror by an image of yourself
Talking in your head
Laying awake in bed in the twightlight screaming

And it makes me crazy
It drives me crazy yeah
It makes me crazy yeah…
Awwwwww wahhh awww wahhhh

Everybody lost to the world outside
Trying to fill a hole that will grow till the day that you die
Never knew it would be this way
Living in a place that u never wanna face night and day
Never knew it would be this way
And it drives me crazy

Everybody lost to the world outside
Losing all control of the boat they drive
Only love you get is from a TV set
And it makes you crazy

Hiding all the way on the closet shelf
Busted in the mirror by an image of yourself
Talking in your head laying awake in your bed
And it makes me crazy

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I sat at the edge of my dream...{watching a lost thought wander through the jumbled maze of a helpless mind. 'Perhaps wishes really do come true' the forgotten souls whisper into a confused wind, passing like an incoherent breath of a distant stranger. A truth once known, but long forgotten on the moment before waking, and forgotten once awake. Tattered thoughs bleeding through a decieved eye, only as a cover to the cluttered and confused existience}...watching reality slip away, nothing is as it seems

.

~*~NOTHING BUT A DREAM~*~

They ran, running, screaming, playing and laughing... like pale white dogs under the full moon. They scattered, regrouped, and ran again. I couldn't ever get a good look at their tiny white faces, filled with something mysterious. Everytime I got close enough to see their scared eyes, they would dodge out of the way, screaming and laughing as they darted the other way. Their small leather shoes clicked and tapped as they ran lightly across my wooden floor, their childish laughs echoed through the other wise, quiet, night stricken room. I felt trapped by their pale white faces, like flurries of snowflakes in the dark. They didn't seem scared, even though they were all alone in the dark, but they weren't victims of the black trap as I was. Then, as I reached out my fumbling arms to catch one of them, I realized why they had no fear of the dark, their white faces constantly blurred, their dark laughing eyes mysterious in the blackness...

...they were all dead...

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I feel like I have been dead for the past few weeks... but I guess it wouldn't really matter if I were. I'm know I'm selfish, and I'm SOO SORRY for hurting you, but I guess you will never believe me, I've dug myself into a deep dark never ending pit of nothingness. I never meant to hurt you, but my selfish actions hurt you. I do miss you and love you, but you don't have to believe me, If you had hurt me the way I hurt you, I wouldn't believe me, but I just wanted you to know I'm sorry for hurting you and I still love you even if you hate me with every fiber of your being. I just keep breaking, into smaller and smaller pieces, nothing but shards of plastic, not even good enough to be glass. I just wish it were all over, once and for all, but maybe it will be soon... I love you all... believe it or not....

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Last night my parents decided they wanted to talk, yeah that was GREAT... apparently they think there is something hurting me, killing me, making me sad... I couldn't yell at them and tell them it was because my Everything had been torn away from me once again. I couldn't tell them that everything was going great ever since she came into my life, and nothing was a problem until they ripped us apart. They think I am going down the wrong path because of the drugs... It's not like I DONT ALREADY KNOW THIS!!! They keep telling me that I am depressed and that I am going to a) end up dead or b)end up in prision or c)end up in a mental institution. FUCK THEM, I don't care about them, the only thing that matters is my Everything. I can't stand living with out her, actually it's not living, it's slowly decaying from the inside out. So now I have to go to counceling and be put on anti-depressants, but the only thing that is going to help is being with my Everything without hinderance.

"We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
...but they keep waiting
...and picking and picking and picking and picking..."

<3I LOVE YOU<3

I'm stuck in a ball where nothing makes sense
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We are worlds apart, but we still look at the same moon...
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One day we will fly again
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Everywhere I look I am only looking at sadness
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NINE INCH NAILS
~*~FRAGILE~*~
She shines
In a world full of ugliness
She matters
When everything is meaningless

Fragile
She doesn't see her beauty
She tries to get away
Sometimes
It's just that nothing seems worth saving
I can't watch her slip away

I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart

She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by
Hoping someone can see
If I could fix myself i'd -
but it's too late for me

I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart

We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
...but they keep waiting
...and picking and picking and picking and picking...

It's something I have to do
I won't let you fall apart
I was there, too
I won't let you fall apart
Before everything else
I won't let you fall apart
I was like you
I won't let you fall apart

I feel like I fell righ out of a bad movie into this black-hole called relaity. I am so sorry I blew my one chance to hold you. It's just like in Gia where she is asked to choose her love or the drugs, and she chose the drugs. I never menat to choose the drugs over you, but once again the devil stepped in. I AM SO SORRY!!! I should have held you, held you so tight and never let go. But my selfishness was the thing that tore me away. I broke myself this time, blinded by my love for not being me. But I would be me for all of eternity if it meant I could be with you forever. I don't know how long I can go on living like this, this dead, meaningless existience. I can't even breathe anymore. Now more than ever, I need you, the one thing that the world keeps me away from. Now it seems like there is no hope because it was my second chance, and I FUCKED IT UP AGAIN!! I am like some prowling, scraggly demon that is in love with an Angel, and all of heaven knows it and is beating me back into the darkness, killing every piece of hope that once was. I don't even know what to say to tell you how dead and meaningless life is without you, and now I can't see anyways of bringing you back. I am so sorry for everything, and the only reason I am still living is to see you again, to be with you again, even though it seems COMPLETLY HOPELESS. I have to beleive that one day I will be with you again... nothing else can keep me alive except for that hope, my one hope, my only hope, of being with you.